This ain't no Suzy Rottincrotch and her pretty pink panties.
~based on true story~
It all started on a hot August morning. It was so hot I
couldn't see putting on any more than a t-shirt. 10 am and it was already
in the 90's and humid as hell. I was at the comp reading my mail under the
fan when a strange car came into my driveway.
I live off the beaten path so when people drop in it's usually
to party or to deliver something, so I went to the back door to see who it
was. Maybe I could see them getting out of the car before I put some
clothes on. By the time I got to the screen door I saw two
girls. One on the left and the other on the right. I couldn't see
them until I got right in front of the door, at which time they got to see
me. Too late to do anything so we talked through the screen door. I
knew immediately they were Jehovah Witnesses by the skirts and Watchtower
magazines and bibles, but these were no ordinary Jehovah Witnesses. Both
were in their early 20's and although they had the look of pre-dowdiness, I could see
they had a nice shape under those Jehovah traveling clothes. These were
JW's of a different color, alright.
"As you can see, I'm not dressed to receive company",
I said. They assured me they were on a mission from Jehovah and were total
professionals. "Good enough for me", I said, and
invited them inside.
I felt a little funny being in the company of these fully
dressed girls and again, apologized for my appearance and told them I don't
often receive company dressed like this. They assured me they were on
Jehovah's business and we all came into this world without clothes, as I noticed a slight blush on their cheeks and a definite
The brunette asked me what religion I was and if I had ever
thought of paradise on Earth, as she handed me a Watchtower magazine. At
last, a place to put my hands, I thought. She reached over real close as
she opened the magazine to a page she had earmarked. Her friend moved
closer to trace the chapter and verse with her finger as the other
girl read. I can't remember a thing either one of them said but I could
feel the fabric of their frocks on my bare legs, the heat of their nubile
bodies against my torso, and their warm, sweet breath, and it was good.
Again, the brunette asked me what my religion was and I told her
I was basically a Taoist with a little Hindu and Frisbitarian but I was
non-practicing. The brunette maintained strict eye contact while she
talked, but the blond was strangely quiet. A quick glance towards her and I
realized she wasn't paying any attention to what the brunette and I were talking
about because she was definitely staring at my butt. I felt like the only
hot dog at the last supper. She then realized I saw her staring at me and
returned a blushing smile as she wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth.
They said it was time to go and left me with a pile of
Watchtower and Awake magazines and an oversized libido. I figured that was one way to get rid
of JW's... Just show up at the door naked and watch them run away
screaming. Such was my first encounter with the Jehovah girls.
I was certain I would never see these girls again. Jehovah
Witnesses believe anyone that's not one of them is lower than a dog who eats his
own vomit and this puke gobbling K-9 greeted them as only Lucifer himself would
greet a young virgin... with his serpent exposed, ready to take them both to
carnal knowledge hell... riding the snake to the abyss. Oh well, it was fun
while it lasted.
Five months later I saw a strange car in my driveway.
Going to the back door, I saw it was the Jehovah girls and they were bearing
gifts. Holy Mother of Blast Acceleration! After quickly checking to
see if I had clothes on, I opened the door and greeted my wayfaring waifs.
"Greetings, do you remember us?" How can I
forget? These were the girls, only five months ago, who almost got me on
my knees praying to the musky Earth Goddess.. I invited them inside and
they immediately began telling me how they tried to reach me six times since our
first encounter but I was never home. The brunette then placed a book in
my hands and turning to a book marked page, showed me a chapter on Taoist principles.
I was impressed that this JW would go to the trouble of finding common
ground. I was equally impressed with the trampy way both girls had fixed
their hair and how their skirts were now barely above the knee. Very risqué
for god's girls.
Come into my parlor.... uh..... living room, I said. A
little chuckle from the blonde assured me these were no ordinary JW's and if I
didn't know better I'd say they were in a state of lust. I brushed that
thought aside... After all, these were Jehovah Witnesses. They weren't
party girl harlots. These people get married before sex and have sex only
for procreation and don't even like it, so I'm told. I guess countering
their biblical arguments with passages from The Kama Sutra was out of the
question. What the hell... I'll give it a try.
As we stood in the middle of the living room, the brunette was
trying to pick something out of the stack of books and magazines she was
carrying and dropped them all over the floor. We all bent down at the same
time to pick them up and banged our heads together and fell on the
floor. Funny as slipping on a banana peel but not so funny when we saw the
brunette out cold on the floor. Keeping my cool, I picked her up and moved
her body to the sofa, carefully placing a pillow under her head as the blonde
held her hand in a feeble attempt to comfort her. I instructed the blonde
to go to the kitchen, get a towel from the drawer, wet it, get some ice from the
freezer, wrap the ice in the towel, get a hammer, crack the ice in the towel
with the hammer, put the towel under cold water, wring it out, and bring it in
here. As she was off doing that I loosened the top buttons of her blouse
and contemplated breast massage. I could hear the blonde in the kitchen
trying to run the water. Good, there's time, but something else caught my
eye. Her skirt was now well above knee level and I pondered what exactly
JW girls wore under those dower outfits. I could hear the blonde knocking
ice cubes about... Just enough time. I reached down and pulled up the
skirt of the comatose sister and exposed myself to a sight not many
dogs of this world have been blessed to witness. It was a black lace thong
with a golden ankh that covered her most intimate parts. Great bloody
Gods! I mean, WTF? An ANKH???
I looked up to see the face of the brunette and she had a faint
little smile. Now, either she was awake and pretending to be passed out
and enjoyed a strange guy checking out her underwear or she was in a coma and the smile was
purely subconscious. Either way, I saw the light and decided to move fast
if I was ever going to have more than a good memory of all this. I called
to the blonde, who was still looking for the hammer, and said, "We're
loosing her. We have to act fast." So, I picked her up and instructed
the blonde to come with me upstairs. "We have to regulate her body temperature."
The blonde did as I said as we took her to the master bedroom and laid her on
the bed. "Quick, help me off with her clothes," I instructed the
blonde. I could see she didn't think this was a good idea and started to
move away from the bed. I informed her that her friends only hope was to
regulate her core temperature before she slips into a permanent coma.
"Now, help me FOR GOD'S SAKE," I said. So, the blonde and I were removing
the brunette's clothes when the blonde asked, "If her core temperature needed to
be raised, why were we taking off her clothes?" I told her the clothes
restricted blood flow and the fastest way to warm her was with our bodies
because, in her weakened state, she didn't have enough core temp to do it
herself. The blonde understood this logic but balked at undressing.
I said, "For the sake of your friends life, put your modesty aside and help
me save her. I can't do it alone." This too, the blonde
understood, so as soon as the brunette was naked, the blonde and I got naked as
well and climbed under the covers with our comatose sister of Jehovah.
The blonde was a nervous wreck but I instructed her on how to
stimulate cardio vascular regularity by running our hands all over every inch of
the brunettes body and
by keeping our own bodies as close to her as possible by entwining our legs
together so that the three of us resembled a single, writhing, mass of naked
flesh. I calmed her down by telling
her that I was in this with them and the devil shall not get this one without a
I could see a slight smile on the brunette as the blonde and I
were stimulating her blood vessels. As my hands moved down her succulent
tummy to the top of her bikini line she let out a quiet
moan. "She's trying to say something!" said the blonde.
"Quick," I said, "there's no time to lose." I held the brunettes
breast in my hand, exposing the nipple. "Suck on this," I
said. The blonde was suspicious. I informed her that a woman's
breast is the base of her soul and just as a baby suckles her mother for nourishment,
a mother gains strength from it as well. "For the sake of your
friend, put your mouth on this, NOW!" The blonde did as I commanded and
slowly began sucking her sisters engorged nipple as I helped by sucking the other.
I could see the blonde was weakening from this ordeal so I began
stroking the small of her back, across her firm buttocks to the holiest of
asked the blonde if she was using enough tongue and she didn't know what I
meant. I told her it's very important to maintain adequate pressure on
both breasts at the same time. Apparently, this was something they never
taught them in bible school so I offered to show her what I meant. I
rolled the blonde on her back and climbing over the comatose sister, I
positioned my mouth on her breast and applied the proper amount of pressure necessary
her friends survival. The moans and arching of her back were similar to the
brunettes and I knew I was on the right track when I felt the hand of the
half-dead one grip my trouser snake. Moans in stereo and I felt like the
conductor. I figured it was time to play a G minor so I slid my right hand
between the blondes legs and my left hand on the face of the brunette, where she
began sucking my fingers in religious ecstasy. Shifting my body, I managed
to position myself so that I was completely covering the brunette with my body
and carefully, I inserted my engorged member and applied rotation on her sugar
plum. With every poke and stroke I could see life returning to the
brunette. She quivered and quaked and began arching her back in rhythm
with my strokes. The blonde also saw this miraculous change and in a fever of
religious ecstasy got on her knees beside us and began shouting, "Praise be
Jehovah!" The brunette must've thought she was dying because she
began screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" And I gave a silent
By this time, the brunette was coming to, and the blonde and I
could not be more overjoyed. The sight of the brunette rising from
the dead brought tears of joy to our eyes. The blonde and I embraced over
the resurrected, and well shagged brunette, and the exquisite sensation of the
hot, nubile body of the blonde pressing herself against me was eclipsed only by
the sensation of the brunette speaking in tongues to my skin microphone.
As I looked down, the brunette paused her oral pleasure and gave me a smile and a
wink. The Lord DOES work in mysterious ways.
Looking at the faces of the Jehovah girls
that day told me the whole story
of creation in reverse...
For the brunette, the end of the
world was followed by the big bang.