Tired of the old two party system?
Isn't it time to take charge of your worthless lives and stand up like free men, instead of cattle to be milked dry? It's my cross to bear to make your pitiful lives meaningful. It's your patriotic duty as free men and women to vote for me ----Lofas F Pigman ---- as the next president of the United States. Because unlike those overpaid derelicts in Washington, I will set you free!
God bless America
The Libertine Party ;)
proud sponsor of the
Lofas F Pigman (he gets it on!)
for president campaign
Yes , it's true. I am running for president of these United States of America. The decision came to me from my spirit guide, Phred, after long, restless rants about the lack of forward vision this country has taken. I questioned how a nation can supposedly send a man to the moon but can't produce a flying car. How new technology enables us to do everything with our phones from playing games to broadcasting images but can't keep a signal. I then realized I'm not the only man in America pondering these things. I just happen to be the only man running for president who ponders these things.
A lunatic? A madman? An egocentric? What kind of man does it take to be president? Sadly, all three. The Oval Office is the nirvana of the elite of the elite. It's the elephant's graveyard, the light at the end of the tunnel, the place where you can safely say, "I made it." Is THAT what it's supposed to be all about? Pride on an individual scale? I think not.
As you, I once thought of American politics as the quintessential stronghold of the most brilliant minds on the planet, to serve and protect us with the greatest tools ever devised by humanity.. The Bill of Rights and The Constitution. It saddens me to say this is not true, never was true, and never will be true (until now). American politics is made up of a bunch of people, just like you, who want to keep their jobs. And not just any jobs, but well-paid jobs with the best perks, benefits and retirement plans ever dreamed of, and it's all paid for by your tax dollars. How would you like to retire after a couple years at your job with an income equal to your highest pay, and the only way that changes is when your ex-workmates vote themselves more money?
Some will say I want to be president for the money or the power or the hot babes. I say to that,
BUNK. DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT!
It's a matter of wanting to serve my fellow man, allowing our great society to reach for the stars and to shake loose the shackles of human bondage.
Every presidential candidate needs a platform, and I'm no exception to that rule. My platform is full of juicy planks just waiting to be discovered and exploited. Here are a few planks needing a nailing:
1. The income tax system in this country is designed to siphon money from the well-worn wallets of the many to the coffers of the few. Those top 5% who can afford good accountants and lawyers are paying less tax than the lunch box Charlies and service employees this country's workforce has been reduced to. I intend to put a stop to this extortion by enacting a straight 2% federal income tax, thus reducing the IRS to one office. The money saved from all those closed IRS offices will, in part, fund school children with free laptop computers.
2. It's obvious the Federal Reserve is the root of our country's financial problems. Raising or lowering interests rates because one man sees "inflation on the horizon" is no way to run the world's economy. That much power in the hands of one man is totally unacceptable. I intend to set up a panel of financial engineers to observe rather than tinker with the system. Nature takes care of itself, and business is no exception to this rule. Adam Smith envisioned it. To fight nature is folly.
3. Congress will be put on the Social Security program. Only if the lawmakers have to experience, firsthand, the problems with the Social Security system can they fix it. There will also be a maximum wage for Congress. They should do their jobs for the love of their country, not for the love of money. Let's give them term limits while we're at it. If they can't fix things in one term, they never will. I will NOT endorse a welfare state for politicians.
4. Government shall be run by engineers rather than politicians. A politician is a person looking for glory, fame, control, or money, and thrives on the adoration of the masses. Not the kind of profession we need to run things. I propose replacing them with engineers who can systematically get the job done using laws of nature, organization skills, an intimate knowledge of how things work, and delegating authority for the purpose of getting the job done -- not how they'll look in the history books or when November 2nd rolls around. Besides, how many engineers do you know? They're not in your face, selling themselves like a used car. They doggedly do what needs to be done, with exact precision.
5. Elimination of all drug laws. What someone wants to do in their own home is no one's business but their own. The percentage of addicted people in this country is just as constant as it was in 1910, only our prisons are now filled with people convicted of victimless crimes. The new drug czar will not condemn or rule which drugs can or can't be used. His main purpose will be to legitimize natural drugs such as cannabis and oversee the cultivation, distribution and sales of this upcoming private business as individual marketing. Thus, every American can have his or her own business with a readily available market and become regular taxpayers.
6. Reverse the alcohol laws. Alcohol consumption is a personal choice, and should not be dictated by any government. If you blow a 0.1, you're in the clear. No more mandatory sobriety checkpoints. If you're breaking a highway law, then and only then can you be stopped -- otherwise, freedom of movement shall not be hindered. The draconian methods employed by many states don't fix this problem... they only ruin lives and create a criminal element and are tantamount to Nazi brainwashing.
7. I will establish a program to systematically replace politicians with engineers. Ask yourself this question: Do you really want to be ruled by a bunch of used-car salesmen whose only interests are graft, greed, power... slopping at the trough of the public coffers? A bunch of fast-talking hucksters with big-business ties pushing legislation to increase their insatiable appetites for profit and glory? Or would you rather have someone in there who knows what they're doing and isn't interested in glory, profits or power? Simply put, engineers know how things work. They design things and keep things running smoothly and efficiently. Engineers designed everything from straight pins to space ships. Isn't it about time we let these wonderfully talented people design our world? If they can design a car, they can design a social structure that works.
8. There will be a paradigm shift in the Food and Drug Administration. No longer will it be an instrument to legalize dangerous drugs simply to increase sales and higher profits for the drug companies and shorten our life spans, but to act as a clearing-house for information on nutrition, addictions and drug interactions. FDA will protect the American people, not the drug companies. Because of the FDA we've become the fattest and dumbest nation on Earth. What does that say to the rest of the world?
9. We seal up our borders and allow entrance to immigrants only after they pass a general intelligence test and learn English. If you are unable to learn to speak the language, stay where you are.
10. Send spiritual shock troops to Iraq to quell their anger with forced calm.
11. Reverse the desertification of our planet with engineered Reichian cloud busting technology and turn the Sahara into the worlds breadbasket, as it was 3,000 years ago. If the Middle East was as lush and beautiful as the South Pacific the Moslems might quit acting like assholes. We have the technology. We have the engineers. All we need to do is let these guys do it. Let them do their jobs. We can't change their hearts and minds but if we change their aggression-producing climate to one of lush beauty, then the indigenous population will become lovers of beauty and art like they once were, 3,000 years ago. see DiMeo
12. Outlaw prohibition. Just because YOU don't like tobacco doesn't mean you have a right to dictate to anyone what they should do with their own bodies. This goes for any other substance or behavior you find intolerable. If you want more restrictions, go to North Korea or join MADD.
13. Fluoridation will cease in this country. Fluoride was introduced into the water supply as an effort to reduce tooth decay, so they say. The massive amounts of fluoride we now ingest from tap water, canned food, processed foods and ice cream has created a pandemic of fluorosis, the first sign of world-wide fluoride poisoning. One of the many side effects of fluoride is reduced synaptic action -- it makes you dumb and apathetic. Besides, fluoride is rat poison! This should be a no-brainer.
14. Drugs for people who want them. No drugs for people who don't want them. Where would this world be without the artists who indulge in so-called vices liberally? A small snippet of names would include such giants as Shelley, Keats, Shakespeare, Jack Kerouac, Hunter Thompson, Ernest Hemmingway, Ulysses S. Grant, Georgia O'Keeffe, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, Ben Franklin, Vincent Van Gogh, (and his great-nephew Theo, recently murdered by a teetotaling Muslim fanatic) Winston Churchill, FDR, JFK, your parents, (they may not qualify as artists but they created you) Do I have to name everyone in the human race except for a few pompous, overbearing, Gastapo, fun-hating assholes? Before you start putting down drugs, how 'bout a show of hands from all of you out there that need your prescriptions filled. It seems the war on drugs is a war on some drugs.
15. Guns for people who want them. No guns for people who don't want them. Guns deter crime. It's been proven time and time again. Show me one nation, one area of one nation that outlawed guns without a significant rise is crime, and I'll turn in my guns to the local constabulary. We're Americans, not French. It's our birthright to have guns as much as a Scotsman has a right to carry a dirk. It's a symbol of who we are, and where we come from. Besides, we need our guns to protect us from our own government. That's what the Second Amendment was all about. Do a Google on The Hungarian Revolution, Hitler, Oliver Cromwell, Sierra Leone's recent rebellion, or any despot of your choice. First, you take away the guns, then you enslave the masses. 'Nuff said.
16. NO MORE PC. I'm not a domestic engineer. I'm not handy able. I'm not African American. I'm not a "sensitive new man," nor a socially acceptible metrosexual. I'm a honky, cracker, white trash, hillbilly, T & A lovin' pork chop eatin', beer guzzlin', anti PC sonovabitch, which is why you love me and why you'll vote for me.
17. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Google MADD.
18. Tax the rich and feed the poor till there is no poor no more.
19. Give me Librium or give me meth.
20. A pot with every chicken and a flying car in every garage.
It saddens me that we've become such an apathetic nation of sheep. We're either on some form of maintenance drug for any one of a dozen new social diseases like depression, hyperactivity, insomnia, irritable-bowel syndrome, toenail fungus, or we're involved with this political soap-opera pabulum we're force-fed every day. (mainstream media is now a tool for the new world order). What happened to the pioneering spirit that made this country great? Whatever happened to standing up for what you believe in? Whatever happened to believing in something besides what's on TV and your frame outlook on life? We've become a nation of fat, stupid, accepting dullards who aren't even aware we've been chemically brainwashed to conform to some jerk-off's idea of what we should be.
Hey, I'm not against fat and stupid. At the risk of insulting my constituency... get some balls. Act like ya got a pair. Work with me on this one, ok? I'll be your prez and fight your battles for you, but at least hold my coat, for Christ's sake. If I pitch 'em, you gotta bat 'em.
Ask not what I can do for you... ask what you can do for me.
(the Libertine Party enthusiastically endorses Lofas F Pigman for prez and urges you to vote for him or spend the rest of your life in abject misery)